Now here’s a great competition for you! 30 hours of audiobook brilliance spread over 25 CDs!

Win Anne Lyle’s The Alchemist of Souls and The Merchant of Dreams on CD – both books read by the incomparable Michael Page for those fine folk at Brilliance Audio.

And what do I need to do to win these audible delights? I hear you ask? Well, that’s a very good question, we reply – thanks for joining in! Simply leave a Christmas joke* in the comments section, below. We’ll then use an arcane scoring system based on laugh-out-loudedness and god-did-they-really-type-thatedness and decide a winner! We might also just pick one at random – who knows?**

Note: If your joke does not show immediately, it might just be held in the moderation queue, awaiting approval, so don’t worry – it’ll get there…

The competition is open until midnight (wherever you live) on Sunday 23rd December. The winner will be notified by email. There may even be some runner-up prizes, depending on what we can find lying around the office.

The prizes will be sent out in the first week of January. There is no geographical restriction on entering***.


*”A Christmas joke” may be defined as “A joke that has some connection to Christmas”, or merely “A joke that you tell, and it’s pretty close to Christmas, so let’s just say it counts, eh?” We’re really not hung up over details…

** This is likely, to be honest.

**except for outer-space – the postage there is too restrictive, so only enter if you have a terrestrial mailing address.


  1. I have already entered, but this was worth sharing…

    “Today, my 6 year-old daughter was asking me questions about Santa Claus at dinner. My 13 year-old daughter was getting annoyed with all the dumb questions and simply told her younger sister that Santa didn’t exist. Instead of being aghast and upset, my younger daughter just said, ‘Yea but neither does Edward Cullen!’ My older daughter left the dinner table and I think it’s easy to say who won tonight.”

  2. Aww Id love to be in this contest, read both books already and love them both .. but then yes ; you said a Christmas LOL, here is one :

    A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” she replies.

    “Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, “Nice
    horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that too?”

    The Policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year, tell Santa the fuckin dick goes under the horse, not on top of it”!


  3. You might not know this, but like all other aircraft, Santa’s sleigh and reindeer must succumb to a rigorous inspection to ensure its safety. Each year, the Christmas celebrating nations of the world select an inspector to go to the North Pole to perform the checks before the big flight.

    This year the inspector arrived and immediately set about his work. He checked bolts and screws for proper torque. He checked the instrument panel for calibration. He checked the gift storage area for security. He checked the reindeer’s hooves for stability. He even checked Rudolph’s nose for effective luminosity.

    When he was satisfied, he made a few notes and informed Santa that he was ready to perform the final part of the inspection: the check flight around the airfield. Santa, confident in the readiness of his sleigh and reindeer team, happily climbed into pilot’s seat and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness. When the inspector climbed in beside him, Santa was shocked to see that he was carrying a shotgun!

    “What in the name of Christmas is that for?!” asked the appalled Santa.

    “Well,..” said the inspector as he leaned closer and lowered his voice, “I’m not supposed to tell you this,.. but you’re going to lose an engine on take-off.”

  4. For any parent out there:

    Q:What’s Mum’s favourite carol?
    A: Silent Night

  5. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?

    Because of all the wrapping!

  6. You know what eggnog really is?

    Elf jizz

  7. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

    A mince spy.

    (Sorry, couldn’t help adding one…)

  8. Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

    He had low elf-esteem.

  9. So an Englishman, a Brazilian, a German, a Swede, an American, a Spaniard, a Nigerian, a Korean, a Mexican, a Russian, a Turk, and a Saudi are all going to a Christmas party at a swanky club.

    They get stopped at the door by security: “Sorry. You can’t come in without a Thai.”

  10. Heike Harding-Reyland

    What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

    or maybe this one
    Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  11. knock knock
    who’s there?
    batman who?
    caught you, fake geek girl!

    cc Jim Tigwell @ConceptCrucible

  12. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
    Subordinate clauses!

  13. What do you get when you cross Frosty the Snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

  14. *Husband runs down the stairs and towards the Christmas tree with a quickness.*

    Wife: What’s the hurry?
    Husband: I’m hoping Santa brought me the mistletoe belt I asked for.

  15. Oh, God! What have I started?!

  16. Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
    Because OCT 31 = DEC 25


  17. Rudi and his wife were walking through Red Square one Christmas Eve when it started sleeting…
    “Oh look,” said the missus. “It’s snowing.”
    Rudi shook his head. “Raining!”
    “But it’s clearly snowing!”
    Rudi stopped, puffed out his chest and said, importantly…

    “Look! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

  18. The best jokes will be the excuses all those ‘end of the world’-prophets are going to give on saturday the 22nd.

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